:: Angel's Aerie ::

:: Wednesday, April 14, 2004 ::

So this has turned out much like I thought it would -- same as any attempt to keep a journal or diary over the years. I get so fascinated with having an outlet to vent, and scribble away like mad, only to have my interest die out. Figured it was about time I revisited and started writing again. Actually debated switching to live journal at one point as I like the little mood icons you can set up, but decided it would take too much effort to start up again -- I'm such a lazy bitch.


Current tune stuck in my head - Godsmack "Running Blind"

:: Angel 9:01 AM [+] ::
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Bah, I hate being sick, and I hate doctors even more. Had this wicked nasty cough since friday or saturday, and my boyfriend was worried I'd caught the same bronchial infection he had, so it was off to the doctor this afternoon. Turns out I'm fine, but the doc's making me go in for blood work tomorrow afternoon -- just because he can; says it'll be good for me, they'll be checking my cholesterol and making sure that my kidneys and glands and yadda yadda are ok. And because of this, I'm to fast for the next 12 -- correction, 10 -- hours, and can only have water. *sigh* Now I know why I've avoided going to any doctor for all these years... Only good thing to come of this is I called in to work last night and I'm doing the same tonight, the whole "two absences for the price of one" deal.

:: Angel 10:10 PM [+] ::
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So I've made a startling discovery, actually made it a while ago, I've just been too lazy to post it. I've come to the conclusion that I have lots of tiny little buttons hidden deep down inside to correspond with every emotion possible... and every once in a while SOMEONE out there takes great joy in bashing a few of them all at once, the fucker. Need an example? Almost two weeks ago (thursday the 8th to be exact) I'm sitting on my computer, listening to some of my favorite tunes as I chill out and surf around the 'net. Then all of a sudden, its like I'm going through a kazillion emotions at once. I alternate between wanting to bawl my eyes out, scream at the top of my lungs, put my fist through the computer screen and whatever else is nearby, get up and just run and run until my legs give out, ransack my fridge and drink until I pass out, and grab something sharp and pointy and hurt myself until I don't care anymore (the last is something I've NEVER had the urge to do, not after having a friend who used this as a stress reliever)... all in the span of maybe a minute or two, each phase just long enough for it to register in my brain before moving on to the next. And just as soon as this came on it disappeared, leaving me feeling completely numb. Two thoughts came to mind then.... "what the hell was that?", followed by "what the fuck do I do now?". I don't even remember now what I ended up doing, think I went to bed not too long after. Couldn't discuss it with the boyfriend, as he wouldn't understand it at all. Couldn't call up a friend to vent, since it was almost midnight and I didn't want to wake anyone up... didn't even think to send an email as I couldn't get my thoughts in any sort of order at the time. So I've kept it bottled up inside until now, so you lucky folks who happen across my blog can read. Since then I haven't experienced anything quite as intense, but every once in a while a feeling will just creep over me for no reason at all, and will be completely unrelated to what I'm doing at the moment. If anything this leaves me wondering if I've completely gone off the deep end. That remains to be seen.

:: Angel 8:40 AM [+] ::
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My poor, poor neglected blog. *sniffle* Pushed to the wayside while I angst over work, the fucked up iraq war and the aftermath -- not to mention worrying about when my lil sis will be back stateside, moving, and all the other usual piddly little retarded stuff that really pisses me off. Thank the gods and demons that be that I'm on vacation all this week or I swear there'd be blood spilt.

*takes a deep breath*

There, now that that's out of the way, back to the dark gutter my mind seems to have taken permanent residence in. *evil grin*

I seem to have developed a new kink as of late, or at least have finally admitted to myself that I do like it -- and the word of the day boys and girls is BONDAGE. And being new, I've yet to jump right in and experience it first hand, though given the right circumstances I just might, but for the moment I really do enjoy looking. By sheer chance I found this site on one of the yahoo message boards for the local goth club -- and I have to say I like so far. Not a member yet, but I may be at some point soon so I can see more. I'm in the process of checking the whole bondage thing out to see just how my tastes run, but I've figured out the one thing I don't like so far -- I'm not really into the whole 'damsel in distress' bit or the kidnapping twist that some photographers or models or sites seem to be about. Not a big turn on for me at all -- I guess I'm a fan of slipping some bondage into the usual (or unusual) foreplay and see where it goes from there.

And truthfully, this doesn't seem to be that big a stretch from the one BIG kink I have of being spanked. A nice hard wallop across my ass with a bare hand while I'm being fucked and OMG, I'm ready to come right then and there. My boyfriend thinks its funny to give me a playful swat when we're out in public, say out shopping, and I have to use every ounce of self control to resist jumping all over him. This from the man who also thinks its cute to reach over and grab my boobs when we're walking or driving or what have you. Proof he's not quite as big a prude as he appears, at least to my way of thinking.

I'm also starting to think there's a tiny part of me that longs to be an exhibitionist as well, but I'll get into that at another time. Need to save a few fun things to explore for later...

Oh, and one final note -- whomever said there's no such thing as too much lovin' never had to deal with sore muscles afterwards. Bastard.

:: Angel 11:05 PM [+] ::
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Continuing on from my last blog... just some random thoughts....

I really can't help it if sex has become my favorite subject, not to mention past time. I can think of no better way to spend an hour, a few hours, a day... My thoughts are CONSTANTLY in the gutter, which makes it very difficult to keep conversations with co-workers clean enough to avoid getting into trouble with hr. And all this time spent dwelling on sex isn't bad either, provided you actually have an outlet for all your urges. It becomes a moot point if you can't get any satisfaction out of it.

:: Angel 9:31 AM [+] ::
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Time to breathe some life back into this blog. And what better way than to discuss another of my vices...

Sex --- Mmmm, just that one three letter word brings a million images and sensations (or is that SINsations) to mind. Sex is the one thing that truly has a little bit of everything for everybody, running the gamut from sweet and innocent to primal and decadently wicked. Whatever the mood you're in, there's bound to be something to fit... feel free to take that as you will *evil grin*. Given the myriad of combinations, its a safe bet you'll never get bored.. at least if its done right! Alone or with a partner (or two or..). Missionary. Woman on top. Doggy-style. Anal. Oral. Lights on. Lights off. In bed. On the floor. In the shower. On the kitchen table. Inside. Outside. In a car, bus, train or airplane. In darkened corners. In broad daylight for all to see. In bathroom stalls... bonus points if its in the bathroom of the opposite sex as you, double bonus if someone is using the stall next to you while you do the deed. Toys optional. Clothing optional. Procreational. Recreational. Slow and tender lovemaking on satin sheets with candles and rose petals, the bottle of wine next to the bed. Rough and tumble fuck-me-now-against-the-wall-until-I-scream sex. Or whatever lies between... there's plenty of possibilities to explore. To quote my favorite pair of entertainers, "If you're not enjoying yourself, enjoy someone else!" Now if you'll pardon me, its time to follow my own advice....

Tunes to get yer groove on to:
Enigma - Principles of Lust/Mea Culpa
Depeche Mode - Surrender/Only When I Lose Myself
VNV Nation - Tempest
Sister Machine Gun - Burn

:: Angel 10:28 AM [+] ::
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Music --- My vice, my passion. It is what flows deep down in my veins, keeps me real. Not the crap they play on the radio now, this repetitive bullshit that they call "modern rock" or "alternative", these cookie cutter bands that all sound, act and look alike. No, as you might expect from a fallen angel, my tastes run deeper, darker than that. It is the beat of the electronic age that stirs my soul, touches me in ways that few things can or ever will. Whether fast-paced and furious, or down-tempo and brooding, or somewhere in between.. this is what sets my soul afire. I can close my eyes and set my thoughts adrift to ride the waves of sound. It tugs on my strings and sets me in motion, each pulsating note drawing me deeper into its rapturous embrace, leaving me no choice but to move as it wills. The local club is my mecca, my safe haven, the source of all my bliss, if at least for a few hours. Long enough to forget my worries and LIVE... until the real world comes crashing in all to soon...

Music to live by:
Darkangel - VNV Nation
Like Tears In Rain - Covenant
Former Self - Icon of Coil
Wallflowers - Switchblade Symphony

:: Angel 1:27 PM [+] ::
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